I’m aware that a new blog post is long overdue, but I’ve had the most dreadful blogger’s block and a lingering bout of self-pity masquerading as depression. To get me back in the saddle, I thought it would be an interesting exercise to revisit a post I did back in early 2010, and see how many things have changed or are still the same.
I am: made up of my life experiences, but am constantly changing.
Update: I am also – as of 25th April, finally divorced.
I have: about 54 pairs of shoes, most of them red.
Update: When I moved out of my marital home two years ago, I culled my shoe collection. I now own about 30 pairs …
I know: that I am unique.
Update: Deep down inside, I still believe this, but the depression sends me many “What’s it all about, Alfie?” days.
I think: I should have put the fillet in marinade an hour ago.
Update: Ah, that was the good life. I now rarely eat red meat, but when my budget allows I do indulge in a good steak, like I did to commemorate my divorce.
I don’t think: the weekend is going the way I wanted it to.
Update: My weekends bear no resemblance to those of four years ago. Now they are quiet and contemplative, with none of the frenetic entertaining I used to do. I attend 12-Step recovery program meetings and read or watch a movie. With my cat. The past weekend was very bleak.
I want: to change some very important things soon.
Update: How prophetic that answer proved to be!
I have: a tendency to cry easily.
Update: Yes, I still do. Takes very little to get the waterworks going.
I like: avocado pears.
Update: I like my boss. A lot.
I dislike: self-indulgent, egomaniac, me-me-me drug addicts.
Update: Renovations. We’ve recently had a lot of work done on my boss’s home (she practices from home) and – while the results are delightful – the inconvenience and mess were a hair-pulling experience.
I now have far more empathy with the drug addicts.
I hate: winter.
Update: Yep, no change there!
I dream: an impossible dream. But still I dream it.
I fear: something so much that I don’t want to put it in writing.
Update: Again, ditto!
I am annoyed: quite often of late.
Update: By traffic-light beggars who swear at me when I have nothing to give them.
I crave: sunlight and starshine.
Update: Somebody with whom to share early-morning and late-night musings; someone to take turns with to make the morning coffee.
I usually: drink two cups of coffee a day and three glasses of wine a night.
Update: I usually have pot-noodles for lunch at work and drink far too much coffee. Those glasses of wine … oh, how much pain they ended up causing …
I search: for some good in everyone, often it is hard.
Update: For reconciliation with my daughter who has, once again, removed herself from my life. I’m told it’s quite common in the case of divorce for a child to become resentful to rebel against both parents if and when they try to present a united front in disciplining the child. Such is the case at the moment and my grief forms the backdrop to my daily life. I just have to keep the faith and keep praying that she returns to me soon.
I hide: my secret pair of Crocs away from everyone.
Update: See above re my daughter – I hide my pain daily and try my best to present a cheerful front.
I wonder: what Marthinus (my first boyfriend) eventually did with his life.
Update: What would have happened if I didn’t have all those glasses of wine every night …
I know: that madness is just a moment away for everyone. Some will evade that moment and others will succumb. Look at the survivors of the Holocaust.
Update: I will survive this period of my life.
I just can’t help: myself from reacting to bigots.
Update: Still guilty ….
I regret: a great many things. But looking in the rear view mirror may make me miss a signboard, so …
Update: The 2010 answer still makes sense …
I love: Quentin Crisp until my dying day.
Update: Spoiling myself with a bunch of fresh flowers once a week.
I can’t live without: writing.
Update: The 12-step recovery programme. I literally won’t be able to live without it.
I try to: deliver the best version of me. I really do try.
Update: Still trying …
I enjoy: swimming naked at night in summer.
Update: Getting into bed early, in warm pyjamas with a good book.
I don’t care: much for Chardonnay.
Update: I don’t care that I live in a ‘dodgy’ neighbourhood, I love my apartment.
I always: dry my feet first when I get out of the bath.
Update: Yes, still do.
I never want to: be misunderstood, but it happens all the time.
Update: I never want to be homeless.
I rely on: my husband, too much perhaps.
Update: And look where that got me ….
I believe: that there are things I cannot change.
Update: Yes, still, and God grant me the serenity to accept those things, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I dance: and it embarrasses people, so I try to only do it when I am alone.
Update: Far, far less than I used to.
I sing: and my family get very cross about it.
Update: On Sundays, when our local radio station plays golden oldies. My cat leaves the room when I do.
I argue: badly. I am non-confrontational and generally a pacifist.
I write: constantly, without it I would die.
Update: Infrequently of late, which makes me sad.
I win: wine sometimes in competitions. I am lucky that way.
Update: I don’t enter competitions aymore.
I lose: my reading spectacles very frequently.
Update: No change there …
I wish: I could fix something I broke.
Update: I could turn back the clock …
I listen: to classic rock on DMX channel 119 almost all the time.
Update: More carefully to what people are saying than I used to.
I don’t understand: Swedish, but I am working on it.
Update: How my life changed so much in so few years. (And I still don’t understand Swedish … )
I’m scared of: again, I can’t write it down.
Update: Financial insecurity.
I forget: family birthdays. Always.
Update: No change there either … but Facebook has helped a lot.
I am happy: enough.
Update: Some days. On the rough days I just roll with the punches and know that things will surely get better.