Fudging and floundering …

I spent Tuesday, the major part of the day, in the emergency room of a local hospital. I’d been driving to work and – out of the blue – I had a queer turn. When I arrived at the salon my boss took one look at me, packed me in her car and did some low flying. Various things were plugged into me; a drip, an ECG machine and an MRI scanner. I got a very burny injection in my bum. It was concluded that I was not having a heart attack or a stroke, I was simply in the throes of a massive anxiety attack and would be fine after a few hours of monitoring. A few hours turned into 8 and then my little Kate came to fetch me.

I went home and, with the sanction of a public holiday, slept like a stone for two days and tried to ignore the non-progress of the construction of my new cottage.

The builders had been stymied: it appeared that there was a leaky pipe behind one of the walls in what was to be my bedroom and they would have to chip away the new plaster and start afresh. It rained. Day after day, it poured, preventing the men from working.

I tried to be patient, with the help of Shiraz and Etta James, and the company of my new roomie, Lulubelle, (who is proving to be a very noisy bedfellow – more of which later) and countless cigarettes.

It would seem that Mercury was in retrograde: my computer died, just to confound things.

Wallowing shamelessly in self-pity, I took to plucking my nostril hairs to induce bouts of crying. When I overheard my husband (what do I call him now???) making a booking for the Eagles concert, I wept like a drain.

And so it goes. (Thanks Charlie!)

I had pork sausages and mashed potatoes for lunch.




46 Comments Add yours

  1. There are going to be days – weeks – maybe even months like this; and then it will get better over days – weeks – months. Allow yourself time to mourn, and move on when you are ready.

    You are in my prayers. xx

  2. yadayadafishpaste says:

    How precious are the truly good friends in our most desperate times of need… angels with skin on. Lulubelle’s heart of gold is a pillar of strength right now, I’m sure… more angels. May you find a little grace space where your heart can find a bit of peace in the midst of the storm.

  3. twolips2 says:

    Oh, Cin, I know all about anxiety attacks. It is the scariest feelling ever.
    Fortunately mine have been kept under control with meds for many years now.
    Have a super day and enjoy the concert!

  4. Sally says:

    I’ve had anxiety attacks and they are scary. Never ended up in hospital though. Hope you manage to sort everything out.

  5. Yvette says:

    Hoping you’re feeling much better today….breathe my friend, breathe. I would never have got through the passing year without the support of my friends and family. ‘True’ friends as the quote on my blog this week:’A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words’ Many Blessings Yvette x

  6. suzicate says:

    Panic attacks can be frightening. So glad you had someone to get you assistance. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. I can’t imagine how difficult it is. Much love and big hugs sent to you. Hope you’re feeling much better and that Lullabelle (even if she’s noisy) is giving you lots of love and attention. The one thing I adore about dog is their devotion and unconditional love.

  7. Ruth2Day says:

    I’ve also had anxiety attacks, and of late found them returning! I keep some rescue remedy close by and it does help. take care of yourself and stop pulling out your nostril hair! 🙂

  8. Mal says:

    Hugs, Cindy…hope you’re feeling better! xx

  9. I’m so sorry to hear this Cindy. I also wantto go to the Eagles concert and its on my birthday too!
    But, no dice.
    Hope you’re feeling a little better now.
    *Very big hug*

  10. bluebee says:

    Cin, I really feel for you. It’s not surprising that you are having these attacks with everything you’re going through – can you not perhaps get away for an extended period, or stay with a friend close to work until your cottage is ready?

  11. I am so sorry that you have to deal with such heart ache. Thinking about you! You are strong. You are a fighter. And eventually you will find your happy place. Time. Xx

  12. Tammy says:

    I am sorry you weren’t feeling well but see and read that your blogging community has surrounded you with love. Count me in that group Cindy!

  13. SidevieW says:

    Panic attacks are so very scary. They do take drug assistance to get beyond them
    Hugs babe

  14. Ruth says:

    I went through years of anxiety attacks, but none so dreadful as that. I feel for you. And I went Awww when you mentioned the cottage thing and the Eagles concert – sometimes ‘enough already’ seems just too much… Love you, Cindy

  15. I have been missing you and wondering how you have been. I just hate this for you. Damn men. Honestly what the f–k is there problem. Anyway take this big giant hug that I am sending you. 🙂 Trudge on, live each day thoughtfully and purposely with you head held high and then one day you will find that you are happier and better off without the no good bum. That you are as Paula would say, enough.

  16. Oops, it should say are enough.

  17. Cin
    Glad to hear that it was “only” a panic attack. I’ve had one myself, and it felt like a heart attack (or what I imagine a heart attack to feel like). So glad you’re all right.

  18. dinahmow says:

    Don’t want to sound all Pollyanna, but…you have a wonderful boss and some strong friends. And you have chatterboxes popping up on the blog. And you’ve weathered a few storms before.
    It’s just the here-and-now that hurts.
    Hope you feel fightin’ fit soon, Cindy. x

  19. Oh darling, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this at the moment. Transition times are always hard, but they do pass eventually, and one day, the sun will be shining again. Hang in there. With love and best wishes from the other side of the world.. xx

  20. souldipper says:

    Cin, reading this cuts me to the quick. Like Bluebee, I wonder about you being there through this time However, I’m sure you want to be around/with your daughter. So whatever is meant to be, I send you honey-textured, golden light that you can wrap around you like a golden blanket.

    May you keep hold of the thread of dignity. Only the best souls are on the other end and are tugging gently to remind you of their promise and presence.

    You are loved. Don’t forget… As my guides say, “We hold you home.”

  21. hotlyspiced says:

    I’ve been wondering how you are and it seems going through a rough patch! How horrible to be wired up at the hospital for eight hours, and all for an anxiety attack. Now that in itself is a worry but I think having a few days of sleeping is probably the best treatment – hospitals only make you more anxious. And that is such a shame about the weather. We’ve had nothing but rain here in Sydney for about 18 months. Every day it’s more grey skies and another day of walking out the door with an umbrella. I hope your ex-husband was buying you a ticket for the Eagles and not just one for himself! xx

  22. a. m. f. says:

    Now you are the wiser, right? I had a terrible bout with these fifteen years ago. I remember slumped over in the car thinking, “I’m not dying..I’m 24!” still, scary as hell until it passes. Glad to read your writings, hugs ~

  23. Tandy says:

    you have mail!

  24. buttercup600 says:

    Happy to hear it was not serious Cin….like Celia I believe…(I know) you will see the sun again!! So many people care and love you…hang in there girlfriend. I also send you lots of love, hopefully I’ll be able to give you real hugs when I’m there! oxo

  25. Sparkle says:

    Ai ai ai! I do not like reading these about you one bit. I wish all could pass really soon and get your life back together. You are too nice to have all this happen to you. Maybe if it was possible old spouse could buy you a house near by as living in the same property is going to be trying times for you.

  26. Sending you lots of love, light and warm hugs.
    🙂 Mandy xo

  27. Sending hugs your way… Panic attacks are not good, not good at all.

    Everyone always says: this too shall pass; and I’ve found that it does, it is the journey of passing that is the very hardest.


  28. Pseu says:

    scarey stuff, Cindy. Have you been given some advice on how to deal with a panic attack in the future?
    In addition to the advice
    If you feel a panic attack coming on and find you are breathing rapidly, breathe slowly in and out of a brown paper bag or cupped hands. You may feel you can’t catch your breath, you are probably over breathing and taking in too much oxygen – making you feel giddy. A paper bag will help your oxygen levels return to normal by letting you breathe air that is a little higher in Carbon dioxide…. just do this for a few breaths, and try to slow down your breathing.

    here is a link you may find useful:


  29. Saint says:

    Moby saved my life; so Lulubelle will save yours. Understand how you must’ve felt hearing you husband making the booking: his life sailing ahead while you’re floundering in the doldrums but take heart, it will not always be like this.

  30. christine says:

    No words – only love and hugs. Xxxx

  31. matron says:

    Hope you are fine,and that they fix the pipe in the cottage quickly. Take care

  32. nrhatch says:

    Sorry, Cin. Hope the hurt heals and the anxiety fades in short order.

    Life is quite the obstacle course at times, eh?

  33. Oh, Cindy, occasionally life just sucks. I shall cross fingers that the cottage begins to progress with all speed and anxiety begins to ease off. I sleep in the same room as a noisemaking dog too. The worst is when he decides to scratch and plays the wardrobe doors like a timpani. This pales into insignificance, however, beside doggie digestive problems. I think I once blogged on the importance of not giving the dog left over spaghetti bolognese. Would that I listened to my own advice.

    Life is not only hard, it is occasionally irrevocably smelly.

    But I’m sure Lulubelle is far more restrained than Macaulay 🙂

  34. nursemyra says:

    *hugs* from me too xx

  35. Oh, dear.. and I’m probably much too late to offer any words of consolation.. like, tut tut, things will get better.. they have to. What an awful day.. I get panic attacks as well and know how awful they are! Sending you hugs xoxoxo Smidge

  36. adeeyoyo says:

    God bless you, Cindy, and keep you strong. This too will pass… Love, D xxx

  37. Leeswammes says:

    Wishing you a quick return to better times, Cindy! Hope the anxiety attack is a one-off. Love, Judith.

  38. bandsmoke says:

    Much ❤ Cin – be true to yourself, that is all. You deserve only the very best – eyes on the prize!

  39. slpmartin says:

    Since my smartphone refused to let me respond to my email/web post, I am a bit late in responding to friends…I am more than certain that things will work out well for you…for you have a spirit that does not cave into the pressures of the world…you have too much class for that!..and so it goes!

  40. Tokeloshe says:

    Thinking of you, sweetie.
    Miss you ;-(

  41. dearrosie says:

    I’m so glad that you work among friends. Hooray for a boss who “took one look at you and packed you in the car…”

  42. I will duck or hide in case i am stuck down by a flying shoe but, a loving shoulder, time and a really good cry, are probably your best friends right now……. thinking of you xx

  43. aeroplanejane says:

    Look what I found! http://petal.ceros.com/crushonline/issue17/page/1

    Hope you feel better.

  44. “And how did you enjoy the play, Mrs. Lincoln?” Has to be one of my favorite lines (for a Yank, anyway) when in the midst of multiple disasters and disappointments.

    By all the comments, you can see and read that you are well loved. It is no help now to say that things will work out for the best; but I will tell you that in whatever way things do turn out, you have and will continue to have the strength to make a positive out of every one of the negatives.

    I encourage you to go ahead and pull out those nose hairs – especially the ones that might stick out – I mean, who wants to look at those? I certainly don’t! Make sure they are well-plucked when I finally get to come see you! 😆

    Seriously, though – sometimes it helps a whole lot to feel pain somewhere else – even if just for a moment – and give your heart a break. As you can tell, panic attacks are pandemic. There is only one good thing about them: if you ever have another one, you will know it for what it is, and know to grab a paper bag and breathe, slowly, in and out. Calm yourself and remember – always –remember who you are. You are a woman of great strength, talent, and compassion. You are a child of God. There is nothing more important to remember. Feelings come and go, hurts and troubles visit for their time. Nothing lasts forever, except one thing. Love. And it is both inside of you and wrapped all around you forever.

    Looking forward to some more recipes. Please don’t give my share to Lulubelle!

    XOXO Paula

  45. klrs09 says:

    Ah, Cindy, despite the horrible time you are obviously going through (here’s an extra hug from me) I sensed your strong will and amazing sense of humour throughout your post. I snorted at “Wallowing shamelessly in self-pity, I took to plucking my nostril hairs to induce bouts of crying.” If you need to call your (ex)husband anything why not call him ‘that guy’? We’ll get the point. Take care of yourself.

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