It started out a tranquil enough Sunday morning. I had my Calvinist work ethic nicely in place and intended to get at least one chapter of editing done. But first I wanted to tackle mynakedbokkie’s request and bake Nigella’s Guiness Cake. (She asked so nicely and, besides, I had a bottle of milk stout from my – bottomless – #FBI2011 goodie bag.)
Now, I have long harboured ambivalent feelings about the BBC’s buxom lass; my husband says I don’t like her because I’m jealous that she nabbed Charles Saatchi before I could get to him, but the truth of the matter is that she sticks her fingers in her food and then licks them. I think this is an erotic little ploy to get the blokes to watch her programmes. I also don’t like her recipe-writing style; she’s not consistent when it comes to weights vs volumes.
Still, my GBF gave me one of her books as a gift some years back, which necessitated the addition of a digital scale to my kitchen and – to justify this expensive appliance – I do dip into Mrs Saatchi’s recipes from time to time.
- 250ml Guinness Our bottles are 340ml, Nigella, what do I do with the remaining 90ml, you wasteful hussy!
- 250g unsalted butter
- 75g cocoa
- 400g caster sugar
- 1 x 142ml pot sour cream What’s this in weight, you silly cow? Sour cream is semi-solid, for heavens sakes, it’s not easy to get a liquid measurement!!! And 142ml? That TWO ml is going make a difference???
- 2 eggs
- 1 tablespoon real vanilla extract Now we’re onto teaspoons, are we???
- 275g plain flour Why not just tell me how many bloody cups this is, Nigella, you’re irritating me. Look what you’ve gone and done; Mister Taylor was happily reading the paper at the kitchen table and you’ve made me swear like an Irishman and now you’ve chased him away.
- 2 1/2teaspoons bicarbonate of soda Whatever, you foolish woman, between scales, teaspoons, Tablespoons, measuring jugs … my kitchen looks like a bomb’s hit it. I hate you.
By the time I got the cake into the oven, I was in the crossest mood and the air in my kitchen was blue with my curses. I went back to my editing and was unduly harsh on the innocent author, I hope you’re satisfied, mynakedbokkie!
Sheesh! The things I do in the name of friendship …