I NEVER THOUGHT I’D …

Nancy Hatch has posted about a writing contest where the prize is a lovely US$3 000. 

http://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2010/09/21/writing-contest-win-3000/

Translated to Rand, this comes to just over R21 000.; enough to buy a small second-hand car.  But it is probably only for USA residents … Anyway, the theme is “I never thought I’d…” and I thought I would post an old entry, just for some fun.

I NEVER THOUGHT I’D WATCH A PORN MOVIE

I read in a recent newspaper report that the majority of teenagers watch pornographic footage, either on DVD, their cell phones or on the internet.  This completely mystifies me; I don’t quite see the point of watching other people have a go at it.

In the interests of being in the swing (as it were) with modern trends, I went along to the local film rental place and asked the fellow at the counter for one of these naughty flicks, which he fetched from the back room.  Even the cover made me blush!

With a nice cup of tea and some ginger snaps, I settled down to watch the show, but had to stop quite early into the footage to put the dogs out, as the screen noises were making them howl and growl.

Back then to the lounge and the story, which commences with a girl (implausible breasts and French, it later emerges) surveying a flooded kitchen and moving to a telephone on the wall, where she makes a call. (No dialogue, elevator music). Immediately, her doorbell rings and she opens the door to admit The Plumber. (Looks like Vernon Koekemoer, but blonde). The Plumber fiddles under the sink for a while and – before he can open his toolbox – the girl is naked on the floor and so is The Plumber and off they go!

This is all very alarming as they have not even formally introduced themselves, and it soon becomes apparent that there is a language barrier and that the girl is very thirsty (or perhaps concerned about all the water on the floor).  She keeps crying out “Eau! Eau! Eau!” and the daft man just keeps answering “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

OBSERVATION: The continuity girl on the crew should be fired: at one point the camera goes to a close up of the plumber chap eating what appears to be a pomegranate, the camera pans back to their rutting bottoms and the viewer sees that the cast and crew have left their lunch leftovers on top of the washing machine.

The camera now moves to a lady (next door neighbour, alerted by the noise?) peering in at the window.  This lady rushes into the kitchen to help, tearing off her clothes (it’s a flood for heaven’s sake, not a fire?!) and leaps onto the writhing pair, also shouting “Eau! Eau! Eau!”

At this point I am interrupted by a telephone call and take the time – the caller is a crashing bore – to dash off this post.

I am going back to the lounge now to see if they get married at the end, but I think I’d much rather watch a film with a bit of a car chase in it …

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38 thoughts on “I NEVER THOUGHT I’D …

  1. I have seen a couple and been bored to tears… sorry they do zilch for me! If there was at least a STORY, but there isn’t! I think this just serves to prove how differently the male brain is wired. 😕

  2. You made me laugh so much, I have to say it does not do much for me either…I have this image in my head…seeing you sitting and watching it….LOL!! Eau! Eau! Eau!”…You are soooo funny my darling friend xxxx Lovies xx

  3. LOL we put one on when our maid was cleaning the room and then went next door and watched her expressions while watching….many years ago….at Bonza Bay….

  4. Fabulous, you made me laugh! Had a slumber party with adult women friends a couple of years ago…hubby organised a couple of porn films…we were laughing so much…we were besides ourselves…we had a get together last week and funny enough that night came up in conversation…I think 80% hadn’t seen one before!
    Yvette

  5. I howled with laughter reading this.
    Then I read it again and had tears streaming down my face.
    This has to be the most hysterical piece I’ve ever read from your pen. I’m printing it out and taking it home to mum – she is going to LOVE this!!!

  6. Vite! Vite! Parlez-vous SEX?
    Have no fear! The PLUMBER is here! 8)

    No story . . . not interested. Watching porn flicks is on par with watching pigs copulate. Not a good use of my limited time on the planet.

  7. They are incredibly boring – and so… I don’t know, unimaginative in any real way, badly filmed, lacking in continuity… what else? Always makes me want to shout: Hello? Hello in there? Why don’t you guys get a life?! I mean, really… 🙂

  8. This is a riot! As others mentioned, in my attempt to at least check it out, decided, “Vive la difference!”. I cannot imagine sitting through one of those movies alone, Cin. You have to be a true researcher at heart!

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