I NEVER THOUGHT I’D …

Nancy Hatch has posted about a writing contest where the prize is a lovely US$3 000. 

http://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2010/09/21/writing-contest-win-3000/

Translated to Rand, this comes to just over R21 000.; enough to buy a small second-hand car.  But it is probably only for USA residents … Anyway, the theme is “I never thought I’d…” and I thought I would post an old entry, just for some fun.

I NEVER THOUGHT I’D WATCH A PORN MOVIE

I read in a recent newspaper report that the majority of teenagers watch pornographic footage, either on DVD, their cell phones or on the internet.  This completely mystifies me; I don’t quite see the point of watching other people have a go at it.

In the interests of being in the swing (as it were) with modern trends, I went along to the local film rental place and asked the fellow at the counter for one of these naughty flicks, which he fetched from the back room.  Even the cover made me blush!

With a nice cup of tea and some ginger snaps, I settled down to watch the show, but had to stop quite early into the footage to put the dogs out, as the screen noises were making them howl and growl.

Back then to the lounge and the story, which commences with a girl (implausible breasts and French, it later emerges) surveying a flooded kitchen and moving to a telephone on the wall, where she makes a call. (No dialogue, elevator music). Immediately, her doorbell rings and she opens the door to admit The Plumber. (Looks like Vernon Koekemoer, but blonde). The Plumber fiddles under the sink for a while and – before he can open his toolbox – the girl is naked on the floor and so is The Plumber and off they go!

This is all very alarming as they have not even formally introduced themselves, and it soon becomes apparent that there is a language barrier and that the girl is very thirsty (or perhaps concerned about all the water on the floor).  She keeps crying out “Eau! Eau! Eau!” and the daft man just keeps answering “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

OBSERVATION: The continuity girl on the crew should be fired: at one point the camera goes to a close up of the plumber chap eating what appears to be a pomegranate, the camera pans back to their rutting bottoms and the viewer sees that the cast and crew have left their lunch leftovers on top of the washing machine.

The camera now moves to a lady (next door neighbour, alerted by the noise?) peering in at the window.  This lady rushes into the kitchen to help, tearing off her clothes (it’s a flood for heaven’s sake, not a fire?!) and leaps onto the writhing pair, also shouting “Eau! Eau! Eau!”

At this point I am interrupted by a telephone call and take the time – the caller is a crashing bore – to dash off this post.

I am going back to the lounge now to see if they get married at the end, but I think I’d much rather watch a film with a bit of a car chase in it …

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38 Comments Add yours

  1. Tandy says:

    very good rendition of any porn movie! amazing that they can come up with so many different themes!

    1. theonlycin says:

      I think that writing these scripts is a job I would turn down…

  2. adeeyoyo says:

    I have seen a couple and been bored to tears… sorry they do zilch for me! If there was at least a STORY, but there isn’t! I think this just serves to prove how differently the male brain is wired. 😕

    1. theonlycin says:

      Maybe the lads watch with the sound turned off?

  3. leigh says:

    I remember this; just as funny, if not better, a second time. Hilarious.

    1. theonlycin says:

      I crack myself up sometimes ;p

  4. Supa says:

    Very good! 🙂 I think you would win with this.

  5. Naomi says:

    LOL…great writing, Cindy! Totally agree that we’re wired differently…I’ve also failed to find any magic in porn movies 😀

    1. theonlycin says:

      It’s simply amazing to me that it is such a thriving industry, Naomi.

  6. theonlycin says:

    I think I’m too late Sue.

  7. buttercup600 says:

    You made me laugh so much, I have to say it does not do much for me either…I have this image in my head…seeing you sitting and watching it….LOL!! Eau! Eau! Eau!”…You are soooo funny my darling friend xxxx Lovies xx

    1. theonlycin says:

      The maid was quite distressed and took the vacuum cleaner into another room, although I invited her to watch with me.

    2. buttercup600 says:

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA …how I can picture that!!! I miss my Serrie so much…OMW…I cant stop laughing!!!

  8. Jamie Dedes says:

    Delightfully funny post … I loved it. Thanks! I’m laughing now as I log off … 3:15 a.m. here … Time for a bit of shut eye … 🙂

    Cheers, Cindy!

    1. theonlycin says:

      Nighty night, Jamie, sweet dreams.

  9. Creature of the night says:

    LOL we put one on when our maid was cleaning the room and then went next door and watched her expressions while watching….many years ago….at Bonza Bay….

    1. theonlycin says:

      bwahaha, that’s so mean!

  10. aardvarkian says:

    I watched this particular nugget last year. The acting left a lot to be desired, and I should have seen the end coming…

    *sorry*

  11. Witch Twin says:

    “to see if they get married” Bwhahahahaha…
    Loved this Cin.
    Hugs.

    1. theonlycin says:

      Hey WT, thanks for the pop-in 😀

  12. twistedvines says:

    Fabulous, you made me laugh! Had a slumber party with adult women friends a couple of years ago…hubby organised a couple of porn films…we were laughing so much…we were besides ourselves…we had a get together last week and funny enough that night came up in conversation…I think 80% hadn’t seen one before!
    Yvette

    1. theonlycin says:

      I’d rather watch the BBC Food Channel, Yvette, at least I can make out what’s going on!

  13. Lyndatjie says:

    I howled with laughter reading this.
    Then I read it again and had tears streaming down my face.
    This has to be the most hysterical piece I’ve ever read from your pen. I’m printing it out and taking it home to mum – she is going to LOVE this!!!

    1. theonlycin says:

      Yay, I made the queen of comedy laugh!

  14. nrhatch says:

    Vite! Vite! Parlez-vous SEX?
    Have no fear! The PLUMBER is here! 8)

    No story . . . not interested. Watching porn flicks is on par with watching pigs copulate. Not a good use of my limited time on the planet.

    1. theonlycin says:

      Yep, although I can’t say I’ve ever seen pigs at it.

  15. slpmartin says:

    A somewhat strange topic to read over morning coffee…but rather funny.

    1. theonlycin says:

      I hope I didn’t put you off your breakfast?

  16. gospelwriter says:

    They are incredibly boring – and so… I don’t know, unimaginative in any real way, badly filmed, lacking in continuity… what else? Always makes me want to shout: Hello? Hello in there? Why don’t you guys get a life?! I mean, really… 🙂

    1. theonlycin says:

      And some people watch them continuously *scratches head*

  17. halfp1nt says:

    I remember reading this when you first posted it and howling with laughter. It’s just as brilliant this time around 🙂

    1. theonlycin says:

      Just a bit of fun, Shorty 😉

  18. Amy MacLeod says:

    This is a riot! As others mentioned, in my attempt to at least check it out, decided, “Vive la difference!”. I cannot imagine sitting through one of those movies alone, Cin. You have to be a true researcher at heart!

    1. theonlycin says:

      I had to take frequent breaks 😉

  19. Tokeloshe says:

    😉

    Very well done and good luck.

    1. theonlycin says:

      Klaar gelag, Tok, been there, done that, decided not to get the tshirt.

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