SWIMMING WIVES

1659, way back when (who knows if it was morning or evening, the history books tell us it was the 2nd of February, so we can be pretty sure it was a nice summer day in Cape Town), old Jan van Riebeeck made the first wine ever recorded in South Africa. It was very likely this rather vile concoction that made his wife, Maria, act so loopy. We’ve all heard how she carried on when they lived at The Castle of Good Hope, flinging her clothes off and swimming naked in the pool, in full view of the servants.

Old Jan continued to fiddle, with both his wine-making formula and one of the neighbours, and soon the name Constance was popping up all over the place. A new wine appeared: Vin de Constance. A new farm was built: Constantia! Evidently our Jan was hopelessly devoted to old Connie, who – one must assume – didn’t swim at all.

Which brings me to thoughts of my own swimming habits (I like swimming!) and the prospect of donning a bathing suit in the fast approaching summer (daunting!) without making the poor man dash away and find a Constance of his own. This winter has not been kind to me and the sight of my pasty, be-dimpled self in the mirror this morning gave me quite a turn.

I’ve just looked up the calories in Merlot (on one website I was alarmed; a man started talking to me about post-pregnancy weight loss! His voice made my dogs sit up and bark at the PC) and find that there are about 500 calories in a bottle of Merlot. Port weighs in at a hefty 180 calories a glass. No port for me then.

After due consideration, I think the muumuu* may just be the right look for me this summer.

* muumuu = loose and airy frock of Hawaiian origin, that drapes the body. Looks like a tent.

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26 thoughts on “SWIMMING WIVES

  1. Oh hell yes – I swear my whole body is covered with cellulite – I promise you – it even prompted me to put on some quick tan this morning – hoping to hide it!!!
    I have also managed to build up a nice little fat reserve this winter (which I damn sure as hell don’t need) – I found an extra 4 kgs of lard………………………………………………….
    I am not happy!!

  2. OMG….I laughed so much when I read this…Maria de la Quellerie naked in the pool…en jou beskrywing van be-dimpled self….ek kan nie ophou lag nie!! My motto…ek sal baie prysgee…maar ‘n goeie rooiwyn en Port…nie in ‘n miljoen jaar nie!!! Muumuu is ons voorland!!! Ek gaan nou lekker slapies….Mwah oxox

  3. Aah, yes.

    We arrive at an age where we must choose between skinny dipping (in firm splendor) and sipping dine wine.

    Une autre bouteille, s’il vous plait.

  4. This is my approach to calories, especially as they relate to beer and wine: in summer they have no calories — they are simply a liquid to help keep you hydrated and to keep you in a suitably bubbly mood while you have fun with friends and family. Of course, I would never drink enough to go swimming naked or fling my clothes off in front of the servants — but then I have neither of those things, so, in truth, who knows? Thanks for explaining muumuu.

  5. Oh, now this was such a clever post…but from the photos you’ve shown you should be fine on the beach no matter what you wear. 😉 Of course, I don’t swim so my opinion may carry little weight..sorry about that last line. 😉

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