Telemarketing people. Yes, they are just doing their job, but it is extremely intrusive, especially if they catch you at suppertime or that particular time of the morning when all you want to do is contemplate the ceiling in the smallest room of the house.

I long ago devised a way of getting these poor commission-earners to end the call very quickly. I engage with them …

Caller: Hello Ma’m, it is Michael from Metropolitan Funeral Services, how are you?

Me: Oh hello Michael! How nice of you to call, I was feeling so lonely and glum; I just thought to myself nobody has phoned me to ask how I am for such a long time. And you know Michael, if my friends knew what I’ve been through in the last while, oy!, they would just platz!. On Tuesday I woke up with the worst squirty botty in the whole world, that on top of the pain I had from tripping over the hose pipe on Monday was just beyond words. I phoned the chemist to see if she would give me something for the pain and of course she said I had to see the doctor first. Hello, R500 later I had a script for Panado and some Enos! In the middle of this my dog Fritzl has got Phoebe (the Yorkie next door) pregnant and my neighbour wants to sue me. Like what? With tears in my violet blue eyes; did I ask the little tart to just stand there and be humped? And then the washing machine pipe burst and the whole bloody house was flooded, I had to use all the towels I own to mop it up and I couldn’t hang them out because of the rain, so the house smells like a jock strap. My other phone is ringing now, but it is so nice talking to you I shall ignore it. Probably the husband wanting to know what’s for supper. I think I’ll do something with mince tonight, what are your ideas? I heard that a packet of Knorr Onion Soup makes a fine sauce for pasta, have you tried it?

Dial tone …





  1. We rarely answer our phone ~ until we check caller ID. But then they keep calling back.

    New strategy: the best defense is a good offense.

    Thanks, Cindy!

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  3. Lmao! I have great fun in doing the same to telemarketers, using my witch-in-claw’s hacked up body that I’ve hidden in the deep freezer for appliance insurance to having just lost both legs and an arm in a car accident for gym contracts!

  4. Ok, you made me spit coffee everywhere! Hilarious. I keep a whistle by the phone. When I accidently pick up and find a telemarketer on the other end, I blow the whistle as loud as possible into the phone. Poof! Off the list.

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