RAMBLING

I’ve been asked to speak at an upcoming writers’ workshop!

The request immediately raised the question Why? Couldn’t they find a real writer? I went into a frenzy of introspection; why is it that – every time I am paid for a writing job – I feel like a downright fraud? It’s something I need to do; this writing malarkey, it’s wrong, somehow, that there is money involved. Isn’t it?

What exactly are the criteria for claiming ‘Writer’ when asked one’s occupation?
Have you been published? Well, yes, I have.
Do you have regular commissions for writing? Well, yes, I have.

So then? Why the self-doubt?

I was recently asked by a publisher to write a script, “please let me know”, she wrote, “what your scriptwriting experience is.”

I replied:

Hello xxx

Attached is my CV as requested.

With specific reference to script writing, I’d love to tell you that I’ve been responsible for some steamy and sexy scripts. Alas, the opposite is true and my scripts are all rather dull; the tedious stuff that is used to inform people. The long list includes things like a voice-over script to educate sales staff on a new xxx off-consumption promotion with an audio-visual presentation, a script for a video that punts for doctors to refer patients to a back and neck clinic, instructions to the guests of xxx on how to go about catching an airplane from Johannesburg to Angola, and how to behave in an international hotel … generally rats and mice information that must be delivered in such a way that the audience understand it and don’t pop off to sleep.

If you like, I can send you copies of these; I have one you may particularly enjoy, it thanks the staff of a toothbrush manufacturing company for their diligent work and celebrates the company’s centenary. Riveting stuff.

Let me know what other information you may need.

Kind regards
Cindy

Why do I immediately resort to denigrating myself?

I’ve been questioning this for the past two days and I can only conclude that my lack of confidence is because of my husband’s scorn: he not only denies that I am a writer, he refuses to read my stuff.

One voice obliterates the noise of many.

I carry on, regardless.

And then turn my face to the sun
and let it draw, upward and away;
the dewdrops left behind by doubt.

Have a super week, people!

Related post: http://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2010/11/15/write-on/

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25 thoughts on “RAMBLING

  1. Oh Cindy….You have SO much talent…I am always in awe of you.
    Ignore him….he has an inferiority complex…he is threatened by your talent.
    Listen to the people who DO read your stuff.
    Well done girl!

  2. Funny thing that, is’nt it! Creative types do tend to doubt their abilities and as you say a partners lack of enthusiasm does exacerbate one’s feelings. BUT you know what? I’ve been reading many of your blogs. I find entertainment, inspiration and various topics to ponder upon. Maybe because it’s part of his life, it’s not interesting.

    If an artist paints a body of work and one dude at the exhibition finds it not to his taste, does that mean he is not an artist? I think not!

    You keep doing what you do girl, there are some of us who do enjoy your writing and perspective on life.

  3. Morning Cin!
    I have enjoyed your writing from the first day I read it… all I can say is that I can only wish for a drop of your talent!
    Have a fab day!

  4. Make ur husband read what u have written but do not reveal the authorship in the first place! See his reaction 😛

    Honestly speaking I am wonder struck by ur frequency and style of writing.

    Keep writing! 🙂

  5. Ever since I came across your writing I have been a HUGE admirer of your talent. You should believe in yourself as a real writer – all the rest of us do!

  6. Cindy, I am so “right there” with you on this. I’ve actually got a post brewing on my own blog for later in the week about what support–especially from a spouse–really is.

    I guess that spousal support means admitting that one can do something better than the partner, and ego bruising comes to play.

    I once heard it said that saying you are a writer doesn’t make you one. But when others call you that, you are.

    You are a writer… and the best of us all.

  7. First, your husband is probably right.

    You’re not a real writer.

    Real writers are arrogant and pompous and egotistical and self-satisfied and never wracked with self-doubt. And they never engage in self deprecating humor.

    : )

    Second, when we do what we love . . . we do feel a bit guilty for being paid for the pleasure. But we must sacrifice our own desires and accept the money to allow our audience to feel they are getting what they paid for. : )

    Third, you no how I feel about succumbing to doubt due to the unsupported and unsubstantiated opinions of others. Stop it. Stop it NOW.

    http://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2010/04/08/doubt/

    Fourth, Write on, sister! Write on!

  8. I echo all the messages of support that the others have posted. I will respond more fully in an e-mail; it is one that I have been intending to send you for a week or so, and not just in response to the above post.

  9. Being creative and putting yourself out there takes a lot of courage / guts! You’re putting a piece of yourSELF out there at the risk of it being LOVED or REJECTED. Rejection hurts… but that’s the risk you take…

    Every woman has in her a little girl that twirls her dress and wants to see adoration and pleasure and acceptance in the eyes of someone that we value / adore; someone that says, “LOOK AT YOU! That’s pretty, YOU’re pretty!!”

    I hear a woman who is “twirling her dress”, her beauty as a woman, through her writing (creative expression of who you are), yearning, longing to hear that exclamation of approval and adoration; for your husband to say, “I LOVE IT! I love YOU! You are beautiful!” But no matter how you “twirl” he simply does not see the beauty about you (expressed in your writing).

    Not only have you started questioning yourself (“What is wrong with me; why wouldn’t he think that I am beautiful?”) but you also feel less loved by him because of this. And that is really (I believe) your deepest desire. You long to be fully accepted, adored, LOVED by him – and you don’t feel it because he doesn’t acknowledge this part of you; he doesn’t seem to care and he doesn’t think it is beautiful…. he is instead basically denying this part of who you are…

    That leaves you feeling lonely and sad, doubting yourself… you probably almost find yourself trying to fix yourself all the time so that he would only notice (maybe if you just this, or just that… maybe then it will be good enough; he’ll take note / approve). Or you start looking at yourself through his eyes… thinking, “maybe he has a point; maybe I’m nothing special after all…”

    Who you are is not determined by the opinions of those around you, but it is determined by how you see yourself! This does not mean that we don’t need the opinions of dear ones – especially those closest to us, i.e. a spouse, but their opinions of us do not (SHOULD not) DEFINE us.

    I want to say to you: You ARE beautiful, you ARE courageous for putting yourself out there and being as vulnerable as you are; you ARE good enough!!! I commend you for not shutting down, or shutting us out because of the turmoil that you often experience inside… I admire your gift. You have SO much to offer. Don’t stop offering it. Too many would be poorer for it, you hear! Don’t ever stop being WHO YOU ARE! To thine own self be true!!

    In closing I want to remind you… we need you 🙂 http://creativelee.blogspot.com/2010/04/fully-present-fully-feeling-fully-alive.html

  10. Pingback: GUEST BLOGGER : COUNT NICHOLAS CZARDAS « The only Cin

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