THE BIRDS AND THE BEES ARRIVED TOO SOON

When Sir Noel Coward was asked by a five year old girl what two mating dogs were doing, he replied:

“The doggie in front has suddenly gone blind, and the other one has very kindly offered to push him all the way to St Dunstan’s”.

An older friend took it upon herself  to enlighten my then-nine-year-old daughter about sex. Not in a facts-of-life way; but in a pornographic film’s scriptwriter’s way, with drawings to pale the illustrations in the Kama Sutra.

I had prepared to, when the time came, deal with this side of my child’s education in the wonderful manner that my mother had when I was a child; with some books (I’d bought Robie Harris’s books; “It’s So Amazing! A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies and Families” and “It’s Perfectly Normal: A Book About Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health”) and to explain to her the importance of love and respect in the equation. I wanted to give her the warning advice of Philip van Munching:

“Boys will put you on a pedestal (so they can look up your skirt)”.

What I didn’t want, was the whole business lumped in an ugly pile and flung at her like a slap in the face; forever tainting lovely bedtime stories of horny toads and princesses with another interpretation of the word horny.

We both felt a little cheated. Perhaps I am terribly old-fashioned, but I just wanted to wait a while; to let her be a little girl for a little longer. I’d love to have been able to follow the Noel Coward School Of White Lies for another year or so.

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27 Comments Add yours

  1. Liane says:

    That’s a real pity… I can understand if you feel cheated. I would have also. Even if you did it later on the way you did, it wouldn’t quite be the same… Hopefully you’re able to salvage something special regardless… 🙂

    1. theonlycin says:

      I hope so Liane.

  2. adeeyoyo says:

    Bwahahaha, I’m killing myself laughing. Noel Coward: what a comic! Heeheehee! I don’t think ‘the talk’ ever works out exactly as we want.

    1. theonlycin says:

      He was a very funny man. I also like this quote of his:
      “I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age – which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday. “

      1. adeeyoyo says:

        That’s such a good one too! Oh to be original with quick quips and good repartee… 😀

  3. New Attitude says:

    I agree with you…although my hubby wouldn’t …let them be little girls for as long as possible..the birds and the bees will keep – at least that is the plan for H — hope it isn’t foiled

  4. granny1947 says:

    Do you still have her as a friend? I would have been furious!

    1. theonlycin says:

      No, we have never seen her since that occasion.

  5. Silly says:

    ek sou ook baie vies gewees het!!!

    00×00

    1. theonlycin says:

      Ek was baie omgekrap!

  6. MissChris says:

    Sadly nowadays when we as parents decide to tell them about the birds and the bees, they already know more than we do!!

    1. theonlycin says:

      I guess the pop stars give the whole story away too.

  7. opoetoo says:

    My daughter was about 5 when she asked me if the rooster “did that” with all the hens or just the ones he liked.
    As quickly as possible I let her know that he most certainly did it with ALL of them.
    Later another rooster spurred her . I let mom handle the rest of the details but I think the birds did the hard work for us :).

    1. theonlycin says:

      Quick think opetoo 😉

      1. opoetoo says:

        If it makes you feel better I did understand who the older friend was. Probably because Jimmy Lee (an older boy in my neighborhood) broke it down to me when I was about 9.

  8. grandawn says:

    Oh, my dear! What a pity – for you and for your daughter. I love the way you have written about it, though.

    1. theonlycin says:

      Thanks grandawn, as some commentors have said; perhaps we can get a happy outcome and I can nice chats with my girl explaining everything.

  9. izziedarling says:

    LOVE the quote – hilarious and wonderful. The older person who “enlightened” your daughter is not your friend. Sorry, but that whole situation belongs to you.

    1. theonlycin says:

      You’re right izziedarling. (I see now that the way I wrote it is misleading: the ‘enlightenment’ was given by a child who was a few years older than my daughter, not my friend. This other child has older siblings, which probably would explain her higher level of awareness).

  10. nrhatch says:

    Reading this post, I pictured an older friend of yours, not your daughter’s, sharing the kama sutra with your daughter and it shocked me.

    After reading the comments, and understanding that another child (not an adult) had spilled the beans about the birds and bees, I felt a bit better.

    Playground chatter sure is more “enlightening” now than when I grew up.

    If it’s any consolation . . . I learned about the birds and bees from my mother at age 9 or 10 ~ she used all the appropriate books to share the wonder and warmth of loving sex with me . . . and it made no difference.

    I was still horrified, and refused to believe that she and my father had done that not once, but four times! : )

    1. theonlycin says:

      Thanks Nancy, it is – and remains – a pretty mysterious business – no matter how old we get?

  11. lyndatjie says:

    That is unacceptable? Does this woman have no boundaries? This is something that only a mother can sit down and talk to her daughter about – I shudder to think how sex was explained to HER as a child. Some friend! 😦

    1. theonlycin says:

      Yeah, longtime ex-friend now.

  12. You know Cin, as I read this, I thought, “who gave her the right?” and I was actually quite furious. What that woman did was way over the boundaries. But, with that said, when you do have those talks with Original Bunn, she will see the love, emotion and respect nvolved and those sketched images will be buried in a different part of her brain. Somehow, even when you hear about it from your friends, the media or whoever, it just isn’t the same as when your mom talks to you about it.

    1. theonlycin says:

      True MTM, very true.

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