The lady who lives across the road from me has a rooster. This is bizarre enough in suburban Johannesburg, but even more strange is the bird’s internal clock; not for him the usual call for the world to wake at sunrise. No, your lad crows and yodels at all hours; the poor thing must be exhausted. His owner says she thinks he is lonely and needs a hen, I disagree; I think he is terrified of the Vuvuzela.

The Vuvuzela must have been created by Satan; it sounds exactly what I’d imagine the background noise in Hades to be. The strident honk of a monster goose having its leg cut of with a pair of nailclippers. That poor chicken across the road must think the apocalypse is nigh every time he hears this dreadful instrument being blown. And blow it does, with alarming regularity, especially on our State-proclaimed Soccer Fridays.

Yes, every Friday you will see the entire nation dressed in soccer-branded t-shirts, wielding their vuvuzelas. Captains of industry, ordinarily dour of mien, will suddenly draw the thing to their lips and blow with gusto, to the wild merriment of their peers. Schoolchildren will attempt to outdo the noise made by their classmates, their teachers happily joining in.

It’s Friday; there’s a school just four houses away from where I sit.
That rooster is cockle-doodle-doing himself into a frenzy.

This is just the start of the FIFA 2010 World Cup madness; soon the foreigners will flock to our shores and buy vuvuzelas too.

I’m going somewhere quiet, where there is Merlot.
Lots of Merlot.



26 Comments Add yours

  1. leigh says:

    LOL! Hell’s orchestra.

  2. Baglady says:

    Can I come with?

  3. Voted! says:


    1. theonlycin says:

      *pretends not to see Voted!*

      1. theonlycin says:

        I use gees(e) to make foie gras ;p

  4. Supa says:

    One very good reason not to go to any matches, nor watch any on tv.

    1. theonlycin says:

      I’m just going to pretend the whole event is not happening.

  5. adeeyoyo says:

    Good grief, thank goodness I’m far from any schools! The teenage boy next door had one last year already and I think the novelty has worn off. Either that or his mother has broken it in little pieces!

    1. theonlycin says:

      I’m going to hide my daughter’s!

  6. Greg says:

    Clearly need to get you a set of earplugs! Because there is no way you are going to get away from it for the next 6-7 weeks unless you leave the country. You could try to Merlotise yourself into oblivion but the earplugs would be cheaper.

    As an aside, you think Voted! realises that the word ‘gees’ is just a little e away from geese?

    1. theonlycin says:

      What’s that Greg? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!

      1. Greg says:


        I said GEEEEEES!!!

  7. lyndatjie says:

    Can one wrap a plastic vuvucrappyzella around somebody’s neck? I have one person in this building walking around every Friday blowing the thing while the rest of us ponder his quick demise…. 😦

    1. theonlycin says:

      Apply a little heat and it should become pliant enough to strangle him!

  8. nrhatch says:

    Vuvuzela sounds like something created by Dr. Seuss . . . or maybe he used it as inspiration in The Grinch!

    “Oh, the noise, noise, noise, noise, noise!”

    1. theonlycin says:

      It’s indescribable!

  9. grandawn says:

    Oh, my goodness! The pain!!

  10. theonlycin says:

    Indeed grandawn, it’s excrutiating.

  11. Liane says:

    It is most certainly going to be “cockle-doodle-doing” interesting – when do you guys think people will start arriving?

    1. theonlycin says:

      They’re trickling in already, Liane.

  12. Saffie says:

    Try explain to Koreans why we enjoy making so much noise on those ‘voozles’ (lang differences)… best I can do is It’s our culture….

    1. theonlycin says:

      Strange thing is, the Oriental visitors are buying up a storm, voozles (love the word!) left, right and centre.

  13. Madmom says:

    The vuvus have started in my neighbourhood. If I can’t beat them (literally) I’m going to have to join them.
    *gets vuvuzela out*

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