“When I was fifteen, I wanted to be a man of few words, to be small and muscular with fine bones, to play slide guitar like Elmor James. I wanted to be fearless. I am thirty seven. The page is white and cool to the touch. My hands smell of lemons. I still cling to the impossible wishes. There is still time.”
Michael Ignatieff
August In My Father’s House.

A blog-friend (how seamlessly new terminology creeps into our vocabulary) wrote a poem yesterday about the dreams of a young man being revisited by his much older self. It was profoundly beautiful, and poignant without a shred of self-indulgent sentimentality. Reading it made me wonder about my own young aspirations and why some of them simply faded away over the years; became lost in the everyday business of living.

I can remember, at thirteen, having the giddy vision of myself painting in a garret in Paris. Oh, I did end up going to art school; but, upon graduation I took a job in an advertising agency and that was that. I needed a suitable wardrobe and car to get to work and, eventually, a little flat and sundry electrical appliances to amuse myself while I spent weekends at home. I couldn’t afford to go out: I had to pay the hire purchase accounts for all the things I was buying.

The years morphed; marriage, divorce, marriage, eventually a child. Mortgages, gardens, holidays, anniversaries, dogs and cats and mothers-in-law. Dutiful living, responsible decisions.

A good child.
A sensible girl.
A middle aged woman in suburbia, wondering; what if?


13 Comments Add yours

  1. nrhatch says:

    Thought provoking post, Cindy.

    I rarely worry about the “water over the dam” (since there is no way that I can chase downstream to re-claim it).

    But I am very careful about choosing how I want to spend my remaining time on this planet.


    1. theonlycin says:

      Yes Nancy, if there could be a backtrack to this post it would be Roger Whittaker singing ‘If’s an illusion …”

  2. Supa says:

    *Sings along with the backtrack*

    1. MissChris says:

      In Duet with Supa:

      Oh I don’t believe in If anymore
      If’s an illusion
      If’s an illusion
      No I don’t believe in If anymore
      If is for children
      If is for children
      Building daydreams

      Lovely post Cin – I think, at time, we all have that thought of what if……….

  3. Baglady says:

    Beautiful post.

    1. theonlycin says:

      Thanks Baglady, have a great weekend.

  4. Tweeling says:

    This is extremely deep OC and so painfully true.xxx

    1. theonlycin says:

      Thanks Tweeling, I’m on an introspective journey archiving all these things. Have a good weekend.

  5. Liane says:

    Cin, I get the feeling you’re taking the pics that you post together with your blog posts yourself. If so, you take really good photo’s. I have only recently been able to start photographing – something I’ve always dreamt of. I like your photo’s. I learn from studying others’ pictures at the moment. Much to learn.

    I’m still younger, but at times I am very aware of the fact that I dream big, and not wanting to get to a later part of my life feeling like all it was, was a dream.

    I really try to live deliberately and consciously. It is a challenge when you don’t want to just drift downstream…

    Life is an unpredictable journey indeed, scenery ever changing…

  6. theonlycin says:

    Hi Liane
    Unless I specify otherwise they’re all my own pics.
    I am not a photographer, but I like taking photos.
    Don’t stop the big dreams.

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