Young people who sow their wild oats should really take precautions to ensure a crop failure:

My pregnant, unwed next-door-neighbour has asked me to be her Birthing Partner in September; which has caused me the most frightful anxiety. Although I am known to rarely refuse any invitation (I’ll go to the opening of bills if I’m asked), I don’t know this lady all that well and am unsure of my role in the whole business (will I have to take photographs of activities in the plumbing area?!). In any event, I had to attend a ‘Pre-Production’ meeting for the affair last week. There was organic white wine and snacks were served. Unfortunately, I mistook these for chicken nuggets and took a lavish helping; only to realize that they were made of something called ‘tofu’ and I had to tuck them under my seat.

The birth is to take place at her home, in and around the swimming bath which strikes me as a bizarre notion. It makes perfect sense to me that she should go off to a hospital and have a nice week of accepting bouquets, putting her feet-up and ordering from room-service.

Evidently, there will be quite a crowd and a ‘Running Order’ has been drawn up: the ladies from my neighbour’s belly-dancing group will begin with a group chant to ‘embrace and open’ my neighbour’s yoni (this sounds scandalously rude, but – I am told – it is quite sacred and that the experience will be a moving one for me). A large stone statue of Buddha will be installed at the steps of the swimming bath and crystals, rose petals and tea lights will be artfully arranged around this. When aforementioned yoni is sufficiently dilated, there will be a drumming circle and my neighbour and I will enter the water (I do hope there is to be a bonfire). At this point, the drummers will leave and a harpist will carry on with the show.

When the baby is born, Nasleem (from number 58) will sing a special birthing song from the Qur’an, after which Zen (from number 42, previously Kev-from-Muizenberg, then he married his yoga teacher) will read a suitable selection of poems. To hedge all bets, the rabbi from the Chester Road synagogue has also cracked the nod.

The baby will probably be given a New Age name, like those unfortunate Zappa and Geldof children.

Heaven alone knows what the poor old gardener will make of all this.


24 Comments Add yours

  1. Krokodil says:

    I hope that water is body temperature. I had a water birth with Leigh and my cousin, who is an aroma therapist was my birthing partner. It was the best smelling birth ever!

  2. oh lol! I’ve been a birth partner. In a nice steriile labour ward, I fetched drinks, fed her snacks, made her laugh (BAD!), mopped her brow, massaged her back and neck a bit and let her squash my hand to pieces.

    Done it twice, and it is so amazing to be there early on.

    I wasn’t needed at the plumbing end, that’s what the midwwife and doctor are for – just there for support and to be a friend.

  3. theonlycin says:

    I also had a waterbirth with my husband doing the aromatherapy. It was a fabulous experience.

  4. Luddite Lass says:

    Love the spoonerism in the title – very funny! Where is the longam owner in all this?

  5. Madmom says:

    It’s all a bit new-age for this codger. 🙂

  6. Thea says:

    Came to see your new “home”, Nice.

    Wanted to be a Doula a few years ago, perhaps if we move I will have to think about it again

    Lekke day my dear friend

  7. Supa says:

    I remember this, only I don’t recall you ever posting about the birth? Eish, do you have to put your email addy every time you want to comment?

  8. Peyton says:

    Cool, Cin will you let me know via fb or rmail how this site is. I miss blogging terribly BUT there is NO WAY in hell I will go back to Letterdash *vomit*

    This is a cool post. Missed you loads

  9. Lightdancer says:

    Hi Cin, I could not help myself, here I am and have no clue what to do next. I can imagine being present at this birth will be a real yet, unconventional experience for everyone involved. Have you agreed… why has she chosen you if you are not very close?
    Anyway, have a great weekend
    Lots of love

  10. WordSalad says:

    Here’s to missing you…

  11. Joanne says:

    Sounds like a blast (bit scary for me) – will there be any beautifully-painted elephants? :0

    1. theonlycin says:

      It was back in 2008 and turned out to be a non-event Jo 🙂

      1. JustMe says:

        What happened????

        Really like your new home 😀

  12. nrhatch says:


    This is too funny . . . there is NO WAY I would get in the water with her.

    Eww . . .

    And the chant. I had tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard. . . I think it’s because you embraced and opened up my “funny bone chakra” with your new age humor.

    Thanks for sending me around to see this. It made my day!

    In a New Age way, of course.

    BTW: I detest tofu too! Even more than chicken. : )

    1. theonlycin says:

      Maybe I should send this one to Rik for Eclectic Engine?

      1. nrhatch says:

        Yes! It would be excellent for EE.

        He can give you a password so that you can leave articles at your leisure and he can post them at his.

  13. nrhatch says:

    Oh, may I copy this photo to use down the road, or does its copyright belong to someone else?

    1. theonlycin says:

      No, it’s my pic, feel free to use it, I have lots more Buddha pics if you ever need them.

      1. nrhatch says:

        Thanks. I’ll just borrow this one for now.

        One of these days, I need to either take some more photos or look around for some fresh ones. It just never seems to rise to the top of the priorities for today list.

  14. nrhatch says:

    Oh, I just re-read the title of this piece and laughed out loud again.

    You are a stitch.

    1. theonlycin says:

      Glad I made you laugh. reading the action on your blog, I’d have blown a fuse today if I were you.

    2. nrhatch says:

      Her pointed barbs generally don’t disturb my calm and peaceful center. Mostly, I laugh at the fact that she is her own worst enemy. Then I share her recent “mis-fired missiles” (missives”) with Bill and decide how to respond.

      She is like a mosquito that keeps buzzing around.

      Sometimes I choose to ignore the mosquito, and hope it disappears on its own.

      Other times, I try to swat it away from my immediate vicinity without harming it.

      Eventually, I may have to squash it entirely.

      I hope it doesn’t come to that. I know she just wants attention, but I don’t have the time or inclination to stop what I’m doing everytime she starts screaming “Look at ME!” : )

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