LE DIVORCE AND A LOOK BACK AT 2010

I’m aware that a new blog post is long overdue, but I’ve had the most dreadful blogger’s block and a lingering bout of self-pity masquerading as depression. To get me back in the saddle, I thought it would be an interesting exercise to revisit a post I did back in early 2010, and see how many things have changed or are still the same.

I am: made up of my life experiences, but am constantly changing.
Update: I am also – as of 25th April, finally divorced.

I have: about 54 pairs of shoes, most of them red.
Update: When I moved out of my marital home two years ago, I culled my shoe collection. I now own about 30 pairs …

I know: that I am unique.
Update: Deep down inside, I still believe this, but the depression sends me many “What’s it all about, Alfie?” days.

I think: I should have put the fillet in marinade an hour ago.
Update: Ah, that was the good life. I now rarely eat red meat, but when my budget allows I do indulge in a good steak, like I did to commemorate my divorce.

I don’t think: the weekend is going the way I wanted it to.
Update: My weekends bear no resemblance to those of four years ago. Now they are quiet and contemplative, with none of the frenetic entertaining I used to do. I attend 12-Step recovery program meetings and read or watch a movie. With my cat. The past weekend was very bleak.

I want: to change some very important things soon.
Update: How prophetic that answer proved to be!

I have: a tendency to cry easily.
Update: Yes, I still do. Takes very little to get the waterworks going.

I like: avocado pears.
Update: I like my boss. A lot.

I dislike: self-indulgent, egomaniac, me-me-me drug addicts.
Update: Renovations. We’ve recently had a lot of work done on my boss’s home (she practices from home) and – while the results are delightful – the inconvenience and mess were a hair-pulling experience.
I now have far more empathy with the drug addicts.

I hate: winter.
Update: Yep, no change there!

I dream: an impossible dream. But still I dream it.
Update: Ditto.

I fear: something so much that I don’t want to put it in writing.
Update: Again, ditto!

I am annoyed: quite often of late.
Update: By traffic-light beggars who swear at me when I have nothing to give them.

I crave: sunlight and starshine.
Update: Somebody with whom to share early-morning and late-night musings; someone to take turns with to make the morning coffee.

I usually: drink two cups of coffee a day and three glasses of wine a night.
Update: I usually have pot-noodles for lunch at work and drink far too much coffee. Those glasses of wine … oh, how much pain they ended up causing …

I search: for some good in everyone, often it is hard.
Update: For reconciliation with my daughter who has, once again, removed herself from my life. I’m told it’s quite common in the case of divorce for a child to become resentful to rebel against both parents if and when they try to present a united front in disciplining the child. Such is the case at the moment and my grief forms the backdrop to my daily life. I just have to keep the faith and keep praying that she returns to me soon.

I hide: my secret pair of Crocs away from everyone.
Update: See above re my daughter – I hide my pain daily and try my best to present a cheerful front.

I wonder: what Marthinus (my first boyfriend) eventually did with his life.
Update: What would have happened if I didn’t have all those glasses of wine every night …

I know: that madness is just a moment away for everyone. Some will evade that moment and others will succumb. Look at the survivors of the Holocaust.
Update: I will survive this period of my life.

I just can’t help: myself from reacting to bigots.
Update: Still guilty ….

I regret: a great many things. But looking in the rear view mirror may make me miss a signboard, so …
Update: The 2010 answer still makes sense …

I love: Quentin Crisp until my dying day.
Update: Spoiling myself with a bunch of fresh flowers once a week.

I can’t live without: writing.
Update: The 12-step recovery programme. I literally won’t be able to live without it.

I try to: deliver the best version of me. I really do try.
Update: Still trying …

I enjoy: swimming naked at night in summer.
Update: Getting into bed early, in warm pyjamas with a good book.

I don’t care: much for Chardonnay.
Update: I don’t care that I live in a ‘dodgy’ neighbourhood, I love my apartment.

I always: dry my feet first when I get out of the bath.
Update: Yes, still do.

I never want to: be misunderstood, but it happens all the time.
Update: I never want to be homeless.

I rely on: my husband, too much perhaps.
Update: And look where that got me ….

I believe: that there are things I cannot change.
Update: Yes, still, and God grant me the serenity to accept those things, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I dance: and it embarrasses people, so I try to only do it when I am alone.
Update: Far, far less than I used to.

I sing: and my family get very cross about it.
Update: On Sundays, when our local radio station plays golden oldies. My cat leaves the room when I do.

I argue: badly. I am non-confrontational and generally a pacifist.
Update: Ditto.

I write: constantly, without it I would die.
Update: Infrequently of late, which makes me sad.

I win: wine sometimes in competitions. I am lucky that way.
Update: I don’t enter competitions aymore.

I lose: my reading spectacles very frequently.
Update: No change there …

I wish: I could fix something I broke.
Update: I could turn back the clock …

I listen: to classic rock on DMX channel 119 almost all the time.
Update: More carefully to what people are saying than I used to.

I don’t understand: Swedish, but I am working on it.
Update: How my life changed so much in so few years. (And I still don’t understand Swedish … )

I’m scared of: again, I can’t write it down.
Update: Financial insecurity.

I forget: family birthdays. Always.
Update: No change there either … but Facebook has helped a lot.

I am happy: enough.
Update: Some days. On the rough days I just roll with the punches and know that things will surely get better.

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46 thoughts on “LE DIVORCE AND A LOOK BACK AT 2010

  1. You have come such a long way Cin and even though things may not have turned out the way you would have wished and you have regrets, I think you need to reaffirm to yourself every day how very far you have come and what a wonderful person you really are. It’s easy to blame certain actions for breakdowns and yes perhaps those actions damaged you a lot, however, I am still of the opinion that those actions were perhaps borne out of already damaged areas of your life…… if you get my drift.
    I am really sorry to hear that you and Dort are at an impasse again – I know this may not help – but eventually they grow up and realize for themselves that perhaps their anger was misguided – mine did anyway!!
    Big hugs and much love! xccc

  2. great to hear from you again. Divorce, the crappiest time of one’s life. Sure I can tell you it will get easier – and it does – but right now you’re probably thinking, “oh why doesn’t she sod off I don’t need that comment thank you very much.” I don’t mind if you say that mind :)
    you are doing great, keep on going, you are a winner!

  3. The seas are still rough, but the gale has abated.

    Sad it is about the dorter
    Doing what she didn’t orter,
    And then getting in a huff
    Soon as she was told, ‘Enough!’

  4. It’s so lovely to hear from you again. I’m so impressed with how much you have changed and developed since 2010. You’ve been through so much. Such an upheaval. And you’ve managed to survive! Well done to you, Cin. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter but at that age, they are very fickle and I find it’s up/down, up/down, up/down xx

  5. I love your post and appreciate the honesty. Every cloud does have a silver lining and your cloud will lift soon and show the sunshine. Like you I dreaded financial instability divorce brings, but I ended up being more “well-off” than my ex!

  6. You’re still making wonderful changes, Cindy. I’m so proud of your resilience. Keep writing when you can; I know you know how therapeutic it is. Hang in there, your dort will come around in time. Sounds like she’s trying to push you to get her own way…kids are like that sometimes.

  7. Sorry to read of so much sadness, Cindy, but big hug and well done to you for holding your own. Although your cat may not enjoy your singing (trust me, she’d HATE mine), I reckon she may enjoy your dancing ;-) XO

  8. You have come so far since then to now. Inordinately proud of you and the strength and dignity you have shown and continue to show even though you are carrying so much emotional hurt. You both are always in our prayers and so loved xx

  9. How wonderful to read a new post. We do enjoy your writings,but you do not always have to share everything with us, perhaps a journal would suit you best for writing now for a while. I kept several actually for the two years after my husband died, the read them several years later,so much anger in them, I was stuck in the valley of self pity. You will move forward when you know that the past is gone, never to be the way it was, each day is a new one and different from the past and should be about you, we cannot control the actions of others only us. I agree with those who have said that teens are fickle, especially when they have a boy friend, they are in their own world. Discipline is not their favorite thing. Trust that you can do this,because you can, share the love in your heart with those who are willing to accept it. God does not give us what we want, he gives us what we need, and He wants us to need Him. You are special to so many, even those of us who have not met you, Hugs

  10. Hi Cin, good to hear from you, I always check if you have posted and today I got lucky :)
    It is of interest to me to read about your progress (I am your fan anyways) now that I am studying Psychology and I have so much respect for the profession, and I tend to notice generally in conversations that we have a lot of self appointed therapists out there, hehe!
    I hope OB comes around soon, it shall pass but it is bad when that happens.
    You are coming alright and I don’t mean to be selfish but I really wish your writers block can just go away because I so enjoy reading your blogs.
    LOL @ your cat leaving the room when you sing!

  11. Ah, sunlight and starshine…lovely words, just like you, my dear friend Cindy! Hugs and enjoy life, be happy and healthy….and do keep writing! xx

  12. Cindy, I loved this. I have also been away from blogging for a while and am just resurfacing but love the idea of capturing the “where I am today” and comparing it down the road. Blessings to you!

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