CONTEMPLATING MY NADIR

The nadir (from Arabic: نظير / ALA-LC: naẓīr; meaning “opposite”) is the direction pointing directly below a particular location; that is, it is one of two vertical directions at a specified location, orthogonal to a horizontal flat surface there. Since the concept of being below is itself somewhat vague, scientists define the nadir in more rigorous terms. Specifically, in astronomy, geophysics and related sciences (e.g., meteorology), the nadir at a given point is the local vertical direction pointing in the direction of the force of gravity at that location. The direction opposite of the nadir is the zenith.
The word is also used figuratively to mean the lowest point of a person’s spirits or the quality of an activity or profession.
And there I was in my own nadir. That’s it. I succumbed to self-pity. No amount of big-girl-pants were going to the trick. Long weekends alone suck, they just do. I’d had invitations from friends, but (as Joe Jackson puts it ‘Happy couples aren’t no friends of mine’) declined. I was in a strip mall the other day and passed by an elderly couple holding hands; the sight sent me into a deluge of weeping. A paroxysm I think it’s called; I’ve always wanted to use the word, but never thought it would be in this context. My MIL said to me the other day “Take them up on the invites, Girlie, believe me; after a while they stop asking you”.
In any event, my good old doc put me in bed in the hospital with a drip and eventually the crying stopped for long enough that he let me come home. (I expect the shock of the hospital food had much to do with my swift recovery).

What is known colloquially as pap en vleis would probably get more approval if Georgio Locatelli served it up as chargrilled beef sirloin fricassee with trevisano and polenta.
It’s frightfully cold here; I own seven blankets and had them all piled on top of me last night. In the early hours I awoke and – through the gloom – I imagined I heard my husband chatting to our friend JB in the kitchen, as they often used to when he and his wife, Annie, visited from Australia. It gets to me; those moments when I become suddenly aware that I am no longer part of a couple. Sort of like waking from a dream where you’d dreamed you were in the midst of a riotous party and then there was no detritus; just a pristine kitchen.
Some things I still do as a single person that I did when my status was otherwise:
1. Close the bathroom door when I use the toilet, even though there is nobody around.
2. Check my email at 2.45am if I am awake.
3. Wake Lulubelle when she is in deep sleep to check she is alive and hasn’t stopped breathing.
4. Eat all my meals with a knife and fork.
5. Wear far too much junk jewelry.
6. Let my new rabbit on the bed with me. Say hello to Big Red Betsy, my new housemate:

The food posts will commence soon; at the moment my appetite goes something like the children’s song:
Ooh, ooh I’m a lonely croc
Lying all day on my lonely rock
I want friends with all my might
But non-one likes me appletite …

28 thoughts on “CONTEMPLATING MY NADIR

  1. I’m so sorry to hear of this. What a painful time you are going through. I do love the look of your rabbit though – she must be a great companion. Looking forward to your cooking posts when you are feeling so much better xx

  2. Oh Cindy, my heart bleeds for you. I can only imagine the pain you are going through, but whatever you do, do not succumb to those morbid thoughts. Your life is just beginning and even though it feels as though it has ended, it has not….Have faith my friend and believe in yourself, because you are the special unique person God intended you to be, you just need to find yourself again.
    Lots of love and hugs from Cape Town

  3. Oh, so sorry…I’m a fairly new subscriber to your blog, so don’t know why you are alone at this time. So…I won’t say, “the bastard!”…in case the bastard has very innocently died or something. I’ve been there, though, and my heart goes out to you. Hang on to those things you list that you do, partner or not, as they speak to your essence, which is what will carry you through. Best wishes…it takes a strong, brave soul to share their darkest feelings.

  4. I just wrote a huge comment and it’s gone! Oh crap. Stupid wordpress is driving me crazy.

    Love your new bunny. Love those colors. I have been thinking about you and praying for you. I know it’s a hard time now but you can rise above it. You have so very much going for you. Don’t let that bastard get the best of you. Grab life by the balls and squeeze it dry. Go out, meet people, hang out with friends, or try a new hobby. Sit in the sun with your bunny listening to music. Whatever you do, be there in the moment, enjoy it. Smile and be in the moment. You can do this Cindy we believe in you. I know you don’t want to hear all of this babble, babble but it really is all true, Hugs to you.

  5. While it has been a long time, now, I’ve been through the break-up blues as well. A part of me never got over it, but another part just sighed and moved on, as it appears you are beginning to do. I know you have a great store of strength (even if just now you’ve forgotten where you keep it), and have every faith that you will bounce back, stronger than ever. The only thing is this: recovery is slow, and if I can say it this way, a bit insidious. It will creep up on you, and one of these days you’ll wonder about it all.
    All the best to you!

  6. Dear Cin, you are brave and you are good and you are a whole person… and what I like best about you is, you are you – the only Cin – no matter what. Love and huge hugs.

  7. It’s a tough journey to heal from a break-up, but you will get to a good place where you find you will be okay afterall. Big hugs and love to you.
    I’m only a phone call away if you need a very big shoulder.

  8. I thought about all this today and realized nothing we can say is useful. My advice for you to go out and meet people is stupid. You can’t go out and meet people and have fun right now. You need to wallow. Go ahead and wallow and get it all out. Relationships just suck. And I never use that word. Now I am in a funk. Love to you.

  9. Miss you posts Cin, I know that you are not well and good but some of us the blog is our only contact with you ;-)

  10. We’re in the dumps too . . . because of Tigger and my parents. When it gets to be “too much” (or really “too little” good to compensate for the bad), we remember lines from a favorite movie, Home for the Holidays:

    Her: What’s the point?
    Him: What’s the point? There is no point . . . bogie, bogie, par, par, bogie, bogie.

    Hope your hole-in-one is right around the corner.

  11. Cindy, I am so happy to read your post!!!!!!! I have been praying for you, and waiting to see you back again. I do love your new bunny, what a beautiful color. I agree with all your friends who say it will get better, slightly easier. As one who lost her love of 42 married years at 62, who was her best friend from the 6th grade, I can tell you if the love was deep it takes a long time. All I can say after 6 years, is you adjust. We are who we are even without them, we must go forward. I will keep praying for strength and peace for you, but slpmartin is right, you have so many people out here who care for you. You are blessed.

  12. The only thing about nadirs is that there is always a zenith that follows. The world is always turning toward the morning. Something I remind myself of every time I go through a bout of depression. Unfortunately, I am going through one now – the first in more than a year, so I am glad about that, and I am beginning to work my way out of it, but be assured you are not alone, even though no one’s difficulties can be adequately compared to another. We are all unique.

    I’ve missed you. Looking forward to recipes galore! I’ll be waiting for your zenith and mine. In the meantime I send you love and hope and the abundance of enough. . .

  13. Hi Cindy: a searing time. Horrid. Glad Lulubelle’s there with you. Nothing like a warm breathing presence for hugs and uncritical listening. Nadirs, no matter how cathartic, and despicable things. Hugs from a Springtime England. Undemonstrative as we are here, I would have to say, love you. And miss you loads. There’s only one Cin.

  14. Starting with Friday night, the weekends are endless when one finds oneself sans husband and children. A zenith will follow though. Hang in there and be your own brilliant self.

    Hugs!

  15. Pingback: JACK WILLIAM AND A SOLITARY FESTIVE SEASON | The only Cin

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